Laugh!

Wit and Wisdom From The Internet
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark - professionals built the Titanic.

Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.





Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Stupid Lawyer Questions
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

Q:
What is your date of birth?
A:
July fifteenth.
Q:
What year?
A:
Every year.

Q:
What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A:
Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q:
How old is your son - the one living with you?
A:
Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q:
How long has he lived with you?
A:
Forty-five years.







Q:
What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A:
He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q:
And why did that upset you?
A:
My name is Susan.

Q:
And where was the location of the accident?
A:
Approximately milepost 499.
Q:
And where is milepost 499?
A:
Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q:
Sir, what is your IQ?
A:
Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q:
Did you blow your horn or anything?
A:
After the accident?
Q:
Before the accident.
A:
Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q:
Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A:
We both do.
Q:
Voodoo?
A:
We do.
Q:
You do?
A:
Yes, voodoo.

Q:
Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A:
Yes.
Q:
Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A:
Yes, sir.
Q:
What did she say?
A:
What disco am I at?

Q:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q:
The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q:
Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q:
Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q:
How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q:
You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q:
How many times have you committed suicide?

Q:
So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A:
Yes.
Q:
And what were you doing at that time?

Q:
She had three children, right?
A:
Yes.
Q:
How many were boys?
A:
None
Q:
Were there any girls?

Q:
You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A:
Yes.
Q:
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q:
How was your first marriage terminated?
A:
By death.
Q:
And by whose death was it terminated?

Q:
Can you describe the individual?
A:
He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q:
Was this a male, or a female?

Q:
Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A:
No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q:
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A:
All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q:
Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A:
The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q:
And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A:
No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q:
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A:
No.
Q:
Did you check for blood pressure?
A:
No.
Q:
Did you check for breathing?
A:
No.
Q:
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A:
No.
Q:
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A:
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q:
But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A:
It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q:
Did he kill you?

Q:
Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A:
I went to Europe, Sir.
Q:
And you took your new wife?

Q:
How was your first marriage terminated?
A:
By death.
Q:
And by who's death was it terminated?

Q:
All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A:
Oral.

Q:
You were not shot in the fracas?
A:
No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q:
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A:
I have been since early childhood.

Doctor Says
This is an actual collection from medical interview records written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and (we are afraid) a doctor or two at major hospitals ...

1.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.


2.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.


3.


Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.







4.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.


5.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.


6.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.


7.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.


8.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

50 Fun Things To Do
On An Exam That Doesn't Matter
1.
Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.


2.
Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"


3.


If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.






4.
Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.


5.
Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.


6.
Bring cheerleaders.


7.
Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who in the world are you? Where's the regular guy?"


8.
Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.


9.
On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.


10.
Bring pets.


11.
Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.


12.
Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.


13.
Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.


14.
Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.


15.
Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.


16.
Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.


17.
Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.


18.
As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.


19.
Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.


20.
Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.


21.
Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.


22.
Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).


23.
Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.


24.
Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Darn this!" and walk out triumphantly.


25.
Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)


26.

Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).


27.

Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"


28.

Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.


29.

Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.


30.

Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.


31.

Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"


32.

Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.


33.

From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.


34.

Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.


35.

If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.


36.

Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.


37.

Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.


38.

Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."


39.

When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.


40.

After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.


41.

One word: Wrestlemania.


42.

Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.


43.

Try to get people in the room to do the wave.


44.

Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.


45.

Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Act like you to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.


46.

Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.


47.

During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.


48.

Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.


49.

Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes.


50.
Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

History Repeated
The following is a sample list of "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot...

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

On April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

Bizzare English Translations
In a Tokyo Hotel:



Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please.
If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.


In a Paris hotel elevator:



Please leave your values at the front desk.


In a Yugoslavian hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.


In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.


On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.


In a Hong Kong supermarket:

For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.


On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.


Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

English well talking. - Here speeching American.

The Laws Of Work


1.



The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.


2.



If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.


3.

A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.


4.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


5.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.


6.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.


7.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.


8.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.


9.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.


10.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.


11.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.


12.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.


13.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.


14.

Arriving at work early sets an expectation that your less ambitious co-workers will not appreciate.


15.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."


16.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.



17.

To err is human, to forgive is not a part of company policy.


18.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.


19.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.


20.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.


21.

If you are really good, you will get out of it.


22.

You are always doing something frivolous when the boss drops by your desk.


23.

The people chosen to go to conferences are always the party animals with no intention of learning a thing.


24.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.


25.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.


26.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.


27.

Following the rules will not get the job done.


28.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.


29.

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"


30.

No matter how much you do, you never do enough, let alone too much.


31.

The last person that quit or was fired will be blamed for everything that goes wrong.

You Know You're Getting Older When ...


1.



You and your teeth don't sleep together.


2.



Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.


3.

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.


4.

Your back goes out but you stay home.


5.

When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.


6.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.


7.

When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.


8.

When happy hour is a nap.


9.

When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.


10.

When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.


11.

When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.


12.

When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.


13.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.


14.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.


15.

Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.


16.

Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.



17.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.


18.

The pharmacist has become your new best friend.


19.

"Getting lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.


20.

The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.


21.

It takes twice as long - to look half as good.


22.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.


23.

You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.


24.

You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.


25.

You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.


26.

You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.


27.

You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.


28.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

The Rules
Rule 1.


The Female always makes the rules.

Rule 2.
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

Rule 3.


No male can possibly know all the rules.

Rule 4.
If the female thinks the male knows all the rules she immediately changes some or all of the rules.

Rule 5.


The female is NEVER wrong.

Rule 6.
If the female is wrong it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said.

Rule 7.
If rule 5 applies the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

Rule 8.
The female can change her mind at any given time without notice and as often as she desires.

Rule 9.
The male must NEVER change his mind without the express written consent of the female.

Rule 10.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

Rule 11.
The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

Rule 12.
Any attempts by the male to document the rules may result in actual bodily harm.

Rule 13.
The female may break any rule at any time.

Rule 14.
If the female has PMS, all the rules are null and void.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Lessons on living from children.




"Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching." - Andrew, Age 9.


"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls." - Rocky, age 9




"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning." - Stephanie, age 8


"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower." - Lamar, age 10




"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes." - Carrol, age 9


"Never bug a pregnant mom." - Nicholas, age 11


"Don't ever be too full for dessert." - Kelly, age 10


"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him." - Heather, age 16


"Never tell your mom her diet's not working." - Michael, age 14


"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." - Joel, age 12


"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." - Alyesha, age 13


"Never try to baptize a cat." - Laura, age 13


""Never spit when on a roller coaster." - Scott, age 11


"Never do pranks at a police station." - Sam, age 10


"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving." - Rob, age 10


"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mum told you to do." - Hank, age 12


"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand." - Molly, age 11


"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information." - Chelsey, age 7


"Stay away from prunes." - Randy, age 9


"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car." - Phillip, age 13


"Forget the cake, go for the icing." - Cynthia, age 8


"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house." - Joanne, age 11




"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents." - Matthew, age 12

Real Estate Definitions

Looking for a home? Learn to read between the lines in those real estate ads.




"Sophisticated city living" - Next to a noisy bar.


"Old World Charm" - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.




"Contemporary feeling" - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.


"Close to Lakes" - Impossible to park from April to October.




"Wide open floor plan" - Previous owner removed supporting walls.


"Security System" - Neighbor has a dog.


"Needs TLC" - Major structural damage.


"Updated kitchen" - Sink no longer overflows.


"Motivated seller" - Has been on the market for 14 years.


"Convenient" - Located on freeway entrance ramp.


"Mint" - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.


"Neutral decor" - No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.


"Move in condition" - Front door missing.


"Cozy" - No room larger than 9 x 6.


"Lower level family room" - Ping Pong table over sewer opening.


"Light open spaces" - Many holes in walls and ceiling.


"Outstanding" - Painted purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.

Actual Errors in Newspapers





"I's very happy," said Olga, a medical student in perfect English.


The house was trimmed in pink, white and blue with babies hanging from the ceiling and nursing bottles galore.




The 53-year-old candidate for the Congress, now of Little Rock, was born on a farm in Kansas City 68 years ago.


Headline: SUSPECT TAKEN IN MIAMI JEWEL CASE




We are not responsible for errors in the Calfficied Ads.


To Mr. and Mrs. Ben M. , a son, 7 lbs. 12 oz. more to come more more mor.


We have received a new shipment of Arrow shirts for men with 16 necks.


We are happy to announce the engagement of Gene Kelly to Prince Rainier. He will now become a princess.


Smokers, the next time you light up, try Chesterfields if you really want a good choke.


Ann Landers will be glad to help you with your parents. Send them to her in care of this newspaper.


The fatal accident occurred at 125th Street as the dead man was crossing the intersection.


Charles H. Horn goes to Georgia Tech to study unclear physics.


LBJ COLD ALMOST OVER, FUNERAL TRIP STILL UNCERTAIN


The Tuesday matinee at the Arcadia Theater will be on Saturday this weekend instead of Thursday.


Four plays later he ran around his right end for three years into the end zone.


STEP TAKEN ON SEWAGE


The sheriff said there are currently five openings at the county jail.


Mrs. Downs attended the flower show with her twin daughters, Mary, age 6, and Helen, age 4.


MAN WHOSE HEART STOPPED BEATING TO TAKE IT EASY


Mrs. Nelson was presented with a gift from the chapter in appreciation of work well done by Mrs. Ethel Anderson.


Clark Gable was injured in an automobile accident. The extent of his injuries are not known; however, the area in which Mr. Gable was injured is spectacular and scenic.


ESCAPED LEOPARD BELIEVED SPOTTED


CEMETERY GETS PRAISE FROM FORMER RESIDENT


"The carnage on our highways can be reduced, but only if you give us the fools to perform the job corrects," said Gov. Hatfield.


NIXON GETS STONED ON TRIP


About one third of all passengers flying between London and Paris travel by air.


In Chicago five men were accused on bride-taking.


Mr. and Mrs. Conway have returned from a week's fighting trip to Wisconsin.


In the ensuing struggle, the hijacker's pistol discharged, wounding the stewardess in the tail section.


The new mayor is an insurance agent and broke.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Great Dames for sale.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Driving Exam Answers

The following are real answers submitted in Driving Exams by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.


Q:


Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A:
What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q:


Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A:
The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q:


When driving through fog, what should you use?
A:
Your car.

Q:
What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A:
I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q:
What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A:
Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q:
What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A:
The color.

Q:
How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A:
Heavy psychedelics.

50 Actual Newspaper Headlines



1.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says


2.

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers


3.

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted


4.

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case


5.

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents


6.

Farmer Bill Dies in House


7.

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms


8.

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?


9.

Stud Tires Out


10.

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope


11.

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over


12.

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again


13.

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands


14.

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms


15.

Eye Drops Off Shelf


16.

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids


17.

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead


18.

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim


19.

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66


20.

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax


21.

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told


22.

Miners Refuse to Work after Death


23.

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant


24.

Stolen Painting Found by Tree


25.

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies


26.

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter


27.

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years


28.

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One


29.

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84


30.

War Dims Hope for Peace


31.

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While


32.

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures


33.

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide


34.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge


35.

Deer Kill 17,000


36.

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


37.

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge


38.

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group


39.

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft


40.

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks


41.

Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy


42.

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire


43.

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply


44.

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood


45.

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees


46.

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half


47.

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies


48.

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing


49.

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing


50.

Air Head Fired

12 Best Things To Say
If You're Caught Sleeping At Your Desk


12.

"I'm in the management training program. I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) that I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."


11.

"I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands."


10.

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."


9.

"This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."


8.

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time"


7.

"I wasn't sleeping. I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."


6.

"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."


5.

"I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating against people who practice yoga?"


4.

"Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our company's biggest problem."


3.

"The coffee machine is broken..."


2.

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."



And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:


1.

"... And, finally, I pray for the future of our company. Amen."

Your Daily Moment of Zen


1.



Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.


2.



The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.


3.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.


4.

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.


5.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


6.

No one is listening until you fart.


7.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


8.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.


9.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.


10.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.


11.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.


12.



Don't squat with your spurs on.


13.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


14.

If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.


15.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.


16.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.



17.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes of bad judgment.


18.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.


19.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.


20.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.


21.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.


22.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


23.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.


24.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


25.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

50 More Ways To Confuse Your Roommate


51.

Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.


52.

Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."


53.

Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.


54.

Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.


55.

Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he remove all of his possessionsimmediately.


56.

Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).


57.

Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.


58.

Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.


59.

Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.


60.

Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.


61.

Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.


62.

Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."


63.

Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.


64.

Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"


65.

Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."


66.

Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!")


67.

Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.


68.

When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.


69.

Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.


70.

Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.


71.

Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.


72.

Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.


73.

Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner...."


74.

Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.


75.

Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.


76.

Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.


77.

Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!


78.

Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.


79.

Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.


80.

Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.


81.

Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower..


82.

Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.


83.

Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.


84.

Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.


85.

Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."


86.

Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.


87.

As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.


88.

Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.


89.

Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.


90.

Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.


91.

Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.


92.

Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."


93.

Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.


93.

Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.


94.

Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.


95.

Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.


96.

While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.


97.

Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.


98.

Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.


99.

Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.


100.

Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."

Car Stickers
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist....Isn't that cute!

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

Where there's a will, I want to be in it!

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Prevent inbreeding - ban country music.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Always remember, you're unique, just like everyone else.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Ted Kennedy has killed more people with his car than I've killed with my gun.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Actual Label Instructions on Consumer Goods
On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On the bottom of a Tesco's Tiramisu dessert box:
Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate heavy machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Philosophical Warning Labels


Solipsism Warning:



The consumer should be aware that he or she may be the only entity in
the universe, and therefore that any perceived defects in product
quality are the consumer's own fault.


Determinism Safety Advisory:

Every citizen be advised that despite the possibility that his or her
acts are all entirely predetermined by the blind mechanical nature of
the universe and are therefore unavoidable and inescapable, he or she
will still incur a legal responsibility and liability for any torts,
violations, misdemeanors, or felonies he or she commits.

Knowledge-Definition Warning:



Because knowledge is defined for the purpose of this product
literature as "justified true belief", the manufacturer cannot prove
that they "know" any of the information provided with this product to
be true, correct, complete, or consistent because they cannot
demonstrate their internal belief states through the principle of
Philosophic Privacy.


Cartesian Evil Genius Alert:

The reader is advised that he or she may be subject to an illusion
generated by an evil genius, and that his or her "sensory fibers" may
be falsely manipulated at any time with neither advance warning nor
any possible legal remedy.


Epistemological Denotation Warning:

The consumer must understand that due to the a-priori impossibility of assuring a shared denotation amongst independent agents, none of the advertising material, product literature, instructions, or safety warnings (including this one), associated with this product may contain what the consumer perceives to be factual information.


Non-Universal Ethics Notice:

Due to the possibility that a common notion of ethics are not universally shared by all sentient beings, and that therefore the manufacturer may have entirely different concept of "fairness", "equity", "honesty", and "integrity" than the consumer, the consumer should not expect the product purchased to conform in any way to the advertised properties of the product.


Godelian Product Disclaimer:

As it has been proven that there are many true but unproveable statements, the manufacturer cannot be held liable for any of its unsupported product claims.


Penrose Addendum to Godelian Disclaimer:

Despite the above warning, the manufacturer is confident that all its product claims are true because of its mystically acquired and computationally unrepudiable organic intuition. Unfortunately, the manufacturer cannot in any way demonstrate that its intuition is correct, or indeed that it has an intuition.


Philosopher-General's Existentialist Tobacco Products Label:

Warning! this product has been found to cause cancer and ephysema, and to lead to increased likelihood of strokes and heart disease. However, as the Universe is a soulless waste inhabited by unthinking machines it doesn't matter in the least whether you smoke or not. Go ahead, light up, it's all the same to me if you live or die.



32 Steps Toward Personal Growth and Fulfillment


1.



I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.


2.



I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.


3.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.


4.

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.


5.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?


6.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than I told you so!


7.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.


8.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.


9.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.


10.

Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.


11.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.


12.



In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.


13.

As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.


14.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.


15.

When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.


16.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.



17.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.


18.

All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.


19.

I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.


20.

I am at one with my duality.


21.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.


22.

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.


23.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.


24.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.


25.

False hope is better than no hope at all.


26.

A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.


27.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.


28.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.


29.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.


30.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.


31.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.


32.

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

The Laws Of Life


1.



The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

2.



If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


3.

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.


4.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


5.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.


6.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.


7.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.


8.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.


9.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.


10.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.


11.

COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.


12.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.


13.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.


14.

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.


15.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.


16.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.



17.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.


18.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.


19.

Poker rules supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.

50 Ways To Confuse Your Roommate
1.
Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.


2.


Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.


3.


Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"



4.
Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."


5.
Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.


6.
Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.


7.
Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.


8.
Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.


9.
Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.


10.
Drink a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.


11.
Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.


12.
Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.


13.
Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading".


14.
Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.


15.
Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.


16.
Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.


17.
Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.


18.
Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."


19.
Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.


20.
Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."


21.
If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."


22.
Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.


23.
Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.


24.
Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"


25.
Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."


26.

Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."


27.

Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.


28.

Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.


29.

Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.


30.

While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.


31.

Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.


32.

Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.


33.

Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.


34.

Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.


35.

Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."


36.

Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.


37.

Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.


38.

Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"


39.

Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.


40.

Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.


41.

Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.


42.

Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."


43.

Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.


44.

Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.


45.

Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.


46.

When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mum. She said she'd call back."


47.

Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."


48.

Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."


49.

Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?"


50.
Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

Fun Things To Do Whilst Driving
1.
Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.


2.
Roll down your windows and blast out talk radio. Attempt to head bang.


3.
At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.


4.
Two words: Chicken suit.


5.
Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.


6.
Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.


7.
Laugh a lot. A whole lot.


8.
Stop at the green lights.


9.
Go at the red ones.


10.
Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.


11.
Eat food that requires silverware.


12.
Pass cars, then drive very slowly.


13.
Sing without having the radio on.


14.
Honk frequently without motivation.


15.
Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.


16.
Ask people for Grey Poupon. (?? Must be an American one)


17.
Let pedestrians know who's boss.


18.
Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.


19.
Restart your car at every stop light.


20.
Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.


21.
Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.


22.
While stopped at a light, pee out the window/sunroof onto other cars.


23.
Paint your car with occult symbols.


24.
Keep at least five cats in the car.


25.
Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.


26.

Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.


27.

Stop and collect roadkill.


28.

Stop and pray to roadkill.


29.

Throw Spam.


30.

Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.

Letters to the Welfare Dept.

These are genuine extracts from letters received by the Ministry of Social Security, which deals with Public Welfare:

1.
I am glad to state that my husband died yesterday, I will be glad if you will get me a pension. If you don't hurry up with it, I wull have to get public resistance.

2.
I am enclosing my marriage certificate with three children. One of them is a mistake as you will see when you look into it. I am writing to say that my youngest is born two years old. Why am I not getting allowance for it?

3.
I enclose certificate with six children. One of them is a twin and died. You ask if he is christened. Yes, he was baptised on half a sheet of paper by a certain Chaplain in the Salvation Army.

4.
The man I live with won't work as he wants to know if my husband is dead. Will you search the records for him and let me know?

5.
I am writing to you truly, yes, I was confirmed with a boy weighing ten pounds. Let me know if this is what you want to know because I have fallen in error with the Landlord and need it badly to pay the rent.

6.
In accordance with your instructions I gave birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

7.
I want money badly as quick as you can send it. I have been in bed with the doctor for a week and he doesn't seem to be doing any good. If things don't improve I will have to get another doctor.

8.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

9.
Re your dental enquiry. The teeth at the top are all right, but the ones in my bottom are hurting terribly.

10.
Please send me a form for cheap milk. I have a baby two months old and did not know anything about it until a neighbour told me.







11.
Please send me a form for milk as I am stagnant.

12.
Please send me a form for cheap milk for having babies at reduced rates.

13.
My son has been unable to attend school. He has had diarrhoea through a hole in his shoe.

18 Ways To Annoy People
1.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.


2.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."


3.


Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."







4.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."


5.
Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think."


6.
Practice making fax and modem noises.


7.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.


8.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."


9.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.


10.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."


11.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never Mind, it's gone now."


12.
As much as possible: skip rather than walk.


13.
Ask people what gender they are.


14.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.


15.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.


16.
Go to a poetry recital. Ask repeatedly why each poem doesn't rhyme.


17.
Sing along at the opera.